November 8, 2002
November 8, 2002



Overly concern about body parts by either gender inhibits and destroys love. The societies overemphasis on showing how long one can endure the type of sexual gyrations as seen on the floor of many country dance halls, (The newest fad by the single people is throwing a hat onto the floor and then the men do suggestive push ups followed by the women doing the counter part on top of the man) instead illustrates the prowess and stamina of the sexual act. It does not even attempt to be considered love. Sex has become a sport which has nothing to do with love.

Compartmentalizing sex sometimes leads to a dysfunctional and/or addictive personality. The addictive personality has a poor self image, feeling unworthy and unlovable certain that no one can possibly meet their needs, then sex becomes an obsession, often ritualized.

This emphasis on sex rather than love continues in the psyche after marriage as a bad apple that spoils the entire basket, creating the mind set of objectifying and subdividing an individual so that the human essence is lost. It is easier to exchange a partner if the object of your affections remains, in fact, an object. Externalizing sex can lead to sexual addiction that is as addictive as any type of drug addiction because it disconnects the loving hormones of the brain from the aggressive sex hormones.

So, what is love? Love has many components. For now I will discuss the role of marital copulation. A union between two people can be sleazy or divine. The heavenly component of lovemaking reaches a climax that can not be equaled when there is compassion, understanding, companionship, and unconditional acceptance of two souls uniting. The intertwining of souls creates a sublime ultimate elation. Certainly this cannot be reached on a body to body animalistic and segmented copulation. Trust is supreme. One cannot melt in another's arms knowing that this is a momentary grab at some kind of second rate happiness.

Caring acts must be practiced daily to continue enchantment. Frequently daily living breaks down all the necessary attributes with shorthand language that jumps past the heart and into head long arguments and its resulting stress, plus all the mundane demands of work, children and often extracurricular activities such as: attending college, hobbies, and/or running a business. Love is just the opposite of body parts/pornography segmentation, but it is the body, mind and soul connection with the loved person. Otherwise the term is LUST.

Keeping love alive on a daily basis is a skill to be learned just as one learns to play a piano or the skills of a baseball game. First, learn the skills, then practice them every day.

Try saying what is your heart. Donít do a shorthand component of speech. When your spouse walks in two hours late from work. Say: I love you. I was worried about you. I was scarred that you were in an automobile accident. What happened?

Instead, one often shortens this to: Screaming; Where the H---- were you? Out with that cute office girl?

Which application do you think works best? Will s/he run home to a screaming spouse?

I hope you selected the first because it brings positive results. Most frequently the spouse was held up in a traffic jam, the battery on the cell phone had expired, and there were no phones available elsewhere. Often the delayed spouse does not want to spend more time looking for a phone. S/he feels hassled enough and just wants to get home as quickly as possible.

Do you want to make Love? Instead of: Whatís the matter with you? Are you angry with me? We havenít been intimate in a month! If the answer is negative, instead of confirming your fears that you are losing your spouse, you might ask:

Are you feeling all right? (Wait for an answer before asking the next question. If the response is negative again, make an appointment with the family physician). Or ask, Is your job extremely stressful lately? (If there is an affirmative answer look into stress management courses or maybe all your spouse needs to do is vent. In that case, just listen.) If the responses are that all is fine, you might state: I am searching for what the problem might be. I would like to enjoy our life together as we have before. If you donít feel like talking now, when you do, just let me know. I'm here to be supportive.

The spouse is spending too much money? Instead of an attack which frustrates the spouse such as: Do you think money grows on trees? You might offer to share what expenses you have and request that your spouse share his/her expenses also. Make a budget by including every penny spent daily on one selves, ones home, ones car, ones children and any other expense you might have. Then tally the amount coming in from all sources. If the income is less than the outgoing money you have a big problem. Solve it as a problem. Not as a personal affront. Explore the list weekly to see what can be deleted that is not a necessity for living. Necessities for living are a roof over your head that is at a livable climate, food, and clothes enough to be presentable for work. For many people this might seem as if it is ridiculously evident, but others make it a personal conflict instead of a problem solving situation.

Stating: I want to give you the world, but it doesnít fit my budget right now, is a humorous and loving message. Attacking antagonizes your loved one and turns them into your enemy.

Nowadays, one is forced to budget time, creating priorities. We live in a society where we want everything NOW. Waiting with patience proscribed by a plan will normalize your lifestyle.

Letís keep our loving relationships, loving. Say what is in your heart. Search for what you really mean, then say it. Unfortunately the negative takes over and the positive gets lost. If that happens, ask yourself why you married your partner. What were the traits that you loved? Relive the pleasant moments. Bring them back to reality, by positive reinforcement, not negative.

In time you will find that you will wonder why you ever felt it necessary to be negative. Happiness is so much fun! Do be happy and put a pleasant spin on your life starting today. Then, love will automatically be there for you.