January 21, 2019
January 21, 2019
When Emotions Rule
"F... YOU. YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU'RE CRAZY, SHUT UP! YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU'RE UGLY." Have you ever said any of those words or a used a more degrading vocabulary than this?
Did that ever solve whatever problem you were having using that technique?
Maybe you have browbeat someone temporarily to listen or acceded to your demands, but in time you find that you no longer have control over the situation?
The end, results in: devastated feelings, resentment, oppositional behavior, divorce and/or permanent loss of any type of relationship.
When I listen to a couple fighting in this manner, it reminds me of a drunkard. As long as someone is intoxicated, you might as well reason with the bottle. You will obtain the same results from your discourse.
Unfortunately when individuals are devastated they often are ashamed of their remarks when they cool down. In the majority of the cases the lambasting was only a reflection of their damaged ego rather than attempting to facilitate a resolution.
In fact, when a settlement is proposed, often the screaming does not end, but continues as if no appeasement has been suggested. In fact, the decision to comply or compromise is often rejected. "You never did that before. You will not keep your word. You have never kept your word." Those remarks continue blasting the other who has agreed to comply to such an extent that the positive offer is often withdrawn.
People say they want harmony, but destroy that harmony as soon as they obtain it.
Before one can settle a dilemma, they need to take a deep breath. Then they need to visualize a huge red neon sign that is blinking STOP. Then they must stop and visualize the happiest moment in their life in vivid detail. Perhaps do push ups or go for a walk to calm themselves.
Next, if they are still hot under the collar, write down what specific behavior, actions or words that created the discord.
Secondly, write down how they feel about it without an opinion or judgment of the other person. Just I feel, for example: hurt, wounded, rejected, unloved, disrespected, etc.
Cross off any judgements that result from your emotional state.
Thirdly, and most importantly, put down the consequences should the issue remain undetermined and indecisive.
Here is an example of 1. Behavior, 2 Feelings, 3. Effect.
A business had a policy of twenty four hour notice for cancellations or if not cancelled in that amount of time the full amount of the fee would be required. An appointment was made by the business and then cancelled only two hours before the scheduled time.
Often businesses make exceptions due to emergencies such as illness or death in the family. In the above case there was no such emergency other than poor preplanning of the owner as to his obligation to his customer.
I felt a rage in that I felt disrespected: that the business's time was more valuable than mine.
The consequence of this action was that I had lost income in that I had turned away clients to attend the lessons I was taking.
I wrote a letter that consisted of two sentences.
The policy of your establishment requires a 24 hour notice of cancellation or I will be charged for the session.
What is your policy when you schedule an appointment with me and only give me two hours notice of cancellation?
I handed the letter to the owner and suggested he read it when he had the time.
He read it and immediately made up the time for me free of charge.
In the above case it was not necessary to state my feelings or the effect that it caused for me.
The fact that I wrote the information rather than addressing it face to face implied my anger.
The Owner already knew that I would have lost money because of the revocation.
Should I have determined that the Owner was dense then I would have had to have made my thoughts more clearly defined.
In the case of a person that needs the issue more clearly defined.
The below would be the way to present the case:
1. Behavior. (The policy of your establishment requires a 24 hour notice of cancellation or I will be charged for the session. What is your policy when you schedule an appointment with me and only give me two hours notice of cancellation).
2. Feeling: I felt disrespected when I received only a notice of two hours before the appointment was cancelled.
3. Effect: When I refuse appointments to my clients during the time I scheduled for my appointment with you, I have now lost my income from that time period.
Notice that there are no accusations, only facts which contributed to the case.
Yet, the discordant feelings remained with me for several weeks even though the issue was immediately resolved. This is exactly what happens with my clients. The issue is resolved, but they do not resolve their own discontent.
When I would feel disturbed by the memory of the situation, I had to remind myself that it resulted as I wished and that I needed to deal with my nonsense which was unrelated to the present position.
In other words, we must be responsible for our own temper tantrums and deal with them accordingly. We might think of ourself as an infant who wants his own way. How would we handle that when a child refuses to be comforted? Then comfort yourself in the same manner.
It would have served no purpose for me to rant and rave over the next couple of weeks because I felt like it. In fact, it would have made the owner and myself feel even worse. Then apologies for my actions would never be forgotten and a permanent rift between myself and the owner would have resulted.
Ask yourself: Do I want to resolve this issue or do I just want to release my unpleasant reactions? Then ask yourself do I want to continue the past hopelessness or do I want to move happily into the future?