July 5, 2002


The Teen is in control when parents get frustrated. Once parents lose control of their emotions, they are no longer in control of the situation. The teen now has the power to manipulate the situation into whatever they wish.

The adult must become aware of the Teen game plan. Parents have power once they understand the dynamics of the situation, which allows them to have control over their own emotions. This stops the situation from spiraling into a power struggle and allows proper actions to be taken to help your teen to become a responsible citizen. Action may be taken by restructuring the situation. Humor is an aid in any relationship whether it is with teens, or adults. Used wisely it will help “save face” for both generations. “Saving face” is extremely important to teens. As the psychologist, Eric Erickson stated, it is necessary for teens to throw out all the adult warnings so that they can reevaluate and then reaccept all the character building tools as their own. Parents find this a scary time because they fear that their children will never return to the correct path. Indeed, it is a time for prayer and a time to trust that all that you have instilled will be followed as long as the parent does not damage the trust “saving face” issue. Often the older generation creates a rebellion that makes it difficult for teens to reinstate the cultural messages activating a “war” between generations that could be avoided.

Teens need unemotional guidance and information. They can profit from the adult’s mistakes, if the parent is willing to “fess up” to them and relate the consequences of their improper actions that embarrassed or caused them harm. Letting a youngster know, that you would want them to avoid your missteps so that they won’t hurt as you did can create a bond, if done properly. More importantly they need to know how this generation can avoid mishaps. Counselors, articles and/or movies about the subject that is applicable, mutual discussions, community resources, organizations such as the church or the scouts may be used to buttress your authority and guidance. The use of too much authority instead of guidance is a mistake some adults make. Guidance such as supplying necessary information in order to make a decision is important. Often forgotten, is setting a good example for your teens. If you overuse alcohol, or secretly use drugs, run a red light , lie to a friend, use foul language, etc.; just remember, your children are watching you. One day they will model your behavior. Do you want them to have respect for the law? Then respect it yourself. Teens are quick to make judgments and call you a hypocrite, and then they go out and repeat your actions.

Stopping manipulation by understanding what the Teen Game plan is, will be addressed in the next column.